i am doin my pre-quittin session. i am bloggin in http://2m2h.blogspot.com/ now.. no hassle. no thg. i can put pics like nbdy biz. and i cld say watever i want too - wld dat wat u call 'free'?

i brought up the issue dis mornin - regardin how the drive inside of u, the needs to look nice and 'bee-auw-tee-fool' will makes u cravin for ways - no matter wats the way it is, and ultimately change yr behavior so dat it'll fullfil yr goals -- dats wat we call 'motivation' is. i suddenly - out of nowhere - used the example of 'if u wanna look good, nice, u want everybdy to notice u - watdya do?'. and some of em - notti enuff, answerin me 'pakai botox sir!!'.. and i managed to catch a small tiny voice sayin dat 'mcm Toyo'. i was like - Khir Toyo? Botox? i called u dat gal for explainantion. she was like - 'of coz lar sir - he doesnt wanna looked like a typical old man; the drive to look good cld be the reason ended him up usin botox for the face'. i was like.. euw! a bold statement! and she proudly said dat she knew dis thru the net.

so i did some 'research' - surfin the net for the above fact. it ended up like dis..

is dis for real? God save me. and the world, too.

God, i gotta run to the wet market now.. for some tempe, i gez. tempe goreng dgn tauhu. duh, bkn je sedap - i might ended up havin dis kinda face too!! see u - gotta run now!! huhu

had a terrible day semlm - aku was so exhausted; mentally drained. supposedly i went to the gym (no jog - it was rainin like nbdy biz), but by the time smpai je kat gym - it was kinda packed wit ppl - i decided to off from it - headin to my main initial plan, for a bar-ber. yeah - i need to get rid the 'Santa Klaus' thang, really.

reached home around 7pm, Maghrib and went out for Giant, for a while. i dun really had plan to buy thgs, but again - ended up wit coupla plastic bags too. damn. Soleh wasnt in - and my other car too - surely he went out for some reason lar kot. lucky him - he cld be usin my cars n thgs as he wish - i din get the chance last time, bein and eldest.

did some readin after dat - i was damn lazy actually; but i needed to. i'll be havin another 4hrs lect on Tues (today lar..), and i need to refresh my memories, my facts and such. half way thru, aku dah alrdy 'yes sir.. yes ma'am' kinda thang. 10.30pm - i was alrdy in my crib, roamin in my own-self made MuMuLand.

woke up early dis morn - love the feelin. feelin damn fresh indeed. mandi, solat - hit the dapur as usual. whoaaa.. my ruang tamu wasnt like smlm, kemas indeed. i believed Soleh did a thang or two before he went to sleep lar kot last nite.

had my daily dose of Nescafe, another big mug of Oats, multivits and such - off aku on the road. the road was soooo fcukin calm. baby i wish i cld be havin the road like dis, all days thru out the yr! and i had dis 50cents feat Justin Timberlake single 'Ayo Technology' on the cd player.. nah - it aint mine. Soleh's anyway. but kinda nice tune. great collabration. i love listenin to 50Cents chantin the 'yr hips, yr thighs, they got me hypnotized..' again and again - somehow or rather makin my eyes rite on the road, and my mind was like wonderin somewhere else. i was kinda 'high' horny horn, dammit shait. heh - its been a while. haha

alrdy in the office. gotta prepare coupla thgs b4 the lect. 2hrs wit the juniors, another 2hrs wit the post-basic. its gonna be another long day - i suppose.

but i wanna hav it great today. a real good Tuesday ahead, indeed.

 Kaunseling, anyone? heh.

Pengarah called me up just now - i hate to say dis - but to be in Pengarah's room is the last thg i wanna do in my entire hrs kat ofis iteww.. so - aku larik la pi men's; pakai tie segala bagai.. catwalk dgn penuh rasa suspen - pehal plak mamat neh nak jumpak aku? tak pernah umur.. buang tabiat kah? thgs like dat.

sampai je bilik dia - jst a few words dr dia - he said he wanted to send me for a short coz kat HUKM (again!), dis time specializing in Kaunseling. eh - far as aku concerned - he did tell me about dis before. and naper nak bgtau lagik? aku pun dok tunggu je lar pun, tak panggil2 pun. and the the second sentences - he said 'i'll make sure KKM will do send u for dat - i'll be goin to KL next week and i will see wat i can do for u'? huh - again? ok? so wat? aku pun dgn muka yg penuh rasa 'overwhelmed' dan appreciated - kept on saying 'owh, thanks', 'thanks u so much' tho aku tak tau pe ekor punca the whole thg..

it was so 'semcm' dat left me blah dr bilik dia wit tonnes of unsetteled thang inside. motif?

sometime org2 atasan ni can be as weaird as u never expected them to be - really.

i hope he really do alrite, today.

 nurul aqilah damia - she's 5mths now, dah pandai menerap!

had a plesant time at kampung - ppl r trully into 'election fever' and thang - and i jst did my thang too. aku dgn cik of to sekolah menengah sg dendang - around 10am - not really happenin there, i shall said. tak ramai org pun. may be masing-masing dtg awal, balik sambung menoreh and such le kot.. so - we took around 10minit je to do our thang; check nama ader ke idak wit the kakak there looked so masam mcm nak bakar the whole sekolah, get in to the room, kasik kad pengenalan, the guy called our name kuat enuff like - perkhhh.. bangga sekejap (time aku dorang ulang dua kali, nama sebut tak btol! ahaks..), given 2 pieces of small paper and off the 'bilik kecik' to get doin the thang.. around 10.30am - dah sampai rumah pun.. mak abah not in - as usual they r so busy dgn dorang nyer thang jugak.

had great time wit the mini-monsters too. Hazwan dah makin pandai bercakap.. umi dia marah - siap bley jwb berpantun2 lagik. Kimie jgn cakap larr.. and Areeyna - the eldest gal; duh! she really turned out to be another 'anak dara' dah.. she is just 9yo, tapi dah pandai nak berchanteq2 segala bagai.. she was like 'pak long tak yah tanya ok - akak chanteq tak chanteq - akak tau akak chanteq!' like dat! confident. mkn ati jap aku.. and she grumbled since 'naper neh pak long - u look like a Santa Claus - darker version, of course..' since aku dah dkt 2minggu tak shave segala bagai. bertuah nyer anak sedara..

watchin em gettin bigger and such - infront my own two eyes makin me somehow or rather - glad dat i am alive. around them to witness all sort of thang. and havin them to be so closed to me - is another thg.

havin a new tools wldnt change the whole shait!

around 10.30pm, finally aku sampai Ipoh. Soleh adik aku tido all along the way - jalan ok, but towards Terowong Menora in Utara Selatan tu - jammed teruk sgt. it took me about an hr plus just to get rid of the whole shit.

sampai rumah - terus mandi and such - aku belek2 kejap muka. yeah - i've neglectin myself lately (katanyer). jambang mcm antu raya.. tho Kak Ton CC ofis aku cakap - 'mcm macho'. tp perlu ke 'mcm' je? heh!! aku dah lama tak berjambang mcm ni - aku ada classes plak Monday. last time aku remember i looked like dis was after the 'after-math'. very unkempted. so aku decided to shave a lil bit - but bila dah sapu shaving cream segala bagai - aku decided to was em oof - shit! aku cldnt affort to hav more parut kat muka aku neh - shavin is the worst skill  ever had in life. biar larr.. biar student kecot sket tgk Mr Shah dia berjambang cenggini. bley? i shall head for kedai barber ptg ni je larr.. leave the whole shait  to the profesional.

as for me - shavin need some skills. and dat skills aku teruk sgt nak gain - no matter how jenuh ayah aku ajar, and how kerap aku baca buku/magazines DIY in shaving. each time aku shaved my face - aku ended up havin cuts; 'ur shavin yr face rather than shavin yr skin' as mak selalu leter.. heh.

 super-nap time!

and finally aku was done wit the 4hrs hatric lectures. and as usual - terik tekak2 aku neh. 2hrs wit the basic - Stress and Health, and 2hrs wit PostBasic - Mental Health Needs in Various Stages of Human Development. fair enuff.. i mean - enuff for today. aku posphoned another 1hrs class aku dgn budak basic to trow je.. hehe.. i need sometime for my own jugak katanyer.

Mr Hari came up and see me just now - sayin dat aku need to be Kelantan dari Rabu ni to the weekend. and boldly enuff, aku said 'i am sorry - i cant'. 1) aku dah apply cuti Khamis to the weekend, 2) last minit notice. giler pe? so the consequences r - he looked at me up and down wit 'okkk..' yg panjang je ekornyer.. and the second thang is - less stress for me, indeed. i was able to say NO in a good proper way! perkh.

i received coupla calls and msges thru ekwn - askin me how i am doin and such - askin me wats up, askin me if i ever needed ears to ventilate thgs scramblin inside me. thanks ppl - at least i know dat i aint alone. and knowin dis was done from those yg aku tak pernah jumpak all my life - makes me smilin even more. thanks again - i am alrite.

i am sorry to say dis - i know somehow it is rite - but it always botherin me when ppl say u hav to live life as if trow is yr last day. dats becoz - if trow is my last day - God Lord; there r too many thgs i'm gonna do dat i'd definately regret if i'm alive on the day after trow. given jst 24hrs to live, most ppl (including u, truly) will just party non-stop for as long as thay can, or prayin to God above round the clock - and then retreat into delirious seclusion bcoz of the immediate threat of death. dats scary shit, alrite.

livin yr life as if ur goin to be dead before the next mortgage payment comes up is pretty irresponsible (i think) and not a good motto ti live by. i dunno about u - but dats wat i think. on the other side - livin as if u hav all the time in the world to do everythg u want - jst makes u cldnt be bother, doesnt know how to appreciate the whole shait, lazy and procrastinate w/out ever accomplishin anythg at all.. i gez ppl r bad at makin 5-10-15 yr life-plans and xcpt for a very few ppl.. (worry not - i'm not tryin to brag in ere; coz i know - i gez i am jst one of em all, too), nbdy knws where they'd be in a coupla yrs to come.

i gez everybdy can live life, live each day to the fullest while not drivin the ppl u leave behind - crazy. dis is quite achievable and excitin - if we wld be able to think about it. leavin the world - wit everybdy missin u, still love u and leave no one to suffer - of u.

i am not sure wat i am ramblin about. jst dat, dats wat runnin up in my brain now. i need to vent it out anyway, remember. i gez i need to appreciate life more. shldve to, really.. (and it doesnt mean dat i am not!). i need to stand up and face it as it is. yeah - if ever a door closed rite infrnt of me, there'll be more - open up for me, i gez. after all - Allah did not put u on dis earth - for nothg.

life is not about existence jer. rite?

heh, finally. after quite sometime - i started to talk about life. again.

i am leavin the buildin - gotta hit the gym. and jog after dat. i shall see u ppl trow - i supposed.

chiao.

u know wat i am talkin about - dat time when we all get stressed out and crazy in the name of holiday. off days. weekends. school holidays. u might as well solely dun agree wit me - coz u dun hav too, really - but i do havin stressed-up in me, whenever the so-called holiday is in. or weekend. i know obviously - i never complain like dis. i've been tellin the world how i fcukin love the weekend - but the fact is; i dun really sure if i ever do - for it bring me whole shait of nthg to me.. too much - i know.

i myself hav been feelin the stress - lately especially. i am of the belief dat if we jst deal wit wat we can control everythg - they will jst fall apart. into places. i know i am probably wrong - but it is how i feel.. y shld i worry about stuff dat i cant control? many ppl do. and i am jst not one of them. i blve dat i do all dat i can to make the off-days great for me, my family - then dat is enuff. i dun need to overextend myself to make the whole shait, fcuktastic. or great - i jst hav to do all i can - wit a reason. does it mean i need to stay up thinkin wat i shld do to fill up the bldy days? nope. does dat mean i need to worry how the day will go on off-days? God Lord. nope.

i gez all i hav to do is to do wat i hav to do, wat i can - wit out killin myself.. cant wait to head for my parent's. there's too much to offer for me there - love, comfort etc etc..

i think i'm stress. tho i aint dat sure wats the stress dat i am havin now is all about - i still do think i am in one. i remember eadin somewhere - if ur havin like sleepless nite, irritability, anger, losin the appetite or overeat, constatntly feel damn tired, aches all over and definately no enthusiasm for activities - Lord God; ur havin stress. i sleep well yeah. i eat every now and then. it just dat lately - i noticed dat i am kinda easily get irritated; even over the smallest petty thang, really.

dis mornin - as usual, aku bancuh a big mug of Nescafe; yet then bila nak minum - dammit it was so bloody pahit dat aku just poured it off into the sink wit the 'shait!' word on my mouth - thinkin back, do i really hav to dat? and all along - drivin to the office just now pun, ader je tak kena.. ppl r drivin like a moron, cuttin wit no signals given, drive slow mcm nak mampos.. duh! sittin back in my room just now - i was thinkin; wats wrong wit me? stress ke aku neh? but y?

there's the thang about me. i can come up wit a diagnosis pretty good enuff; but to trace down why and how.. shait - malas larr.. so cemaneh nak settle problem, eh?

i know i can sort dis all out alrite. i just need sometime one my own, rileks2.. and do the thinkin. find the cause. settle the whole thang - once for all.

went for a jog smlm. gym after dat - reached home around after magrib, off aku went to Tesco. i need to do dat for byk sgt dah benda2 kat rumah aku dah abes.. sian Soleh. nak goreng telor pun - telor abes! haha.. by 10.30pm and such - i was home. flat rite on the ground. aku just longgok stuffs kat dapor - aku golek2 dpn my idiot-box.. sedar2 it was like 4am in the morn - i was in jeans n round-neck, crawlin upstairs lookin for my crib.

life is so monotonous, stereotype dat i wanna puke all the time..

thinkin back all dis, how i wish it'll be better than dis. really.